Do you love Christmas, but feel distanced from Christianity? Has it ever seemed to you as if Jesus of Nazareth didn’t really fit in with the whole Christmas thing? After all, what’s with all the fixation on snow, sleigh bells, and evergreen trees? Certainly not the sorts of things we find in the biblical world. Well, if you believe Fritz Lieber from the New Reformed Church of Odin, it’s because Christmas, or Jul – the original name of the Holiday – has nothing at all to do with Christianity!
“Christianity is basically an Italian Religion with roots in the Middle East, back then Christian customs where warm-weather customs like self-flagellation and baptism” says Fritz, “Christianity was spread to wintry places by the conquering Romans. Jul was then, just as Christmas is now, a beloved feast that brought families together. It was held on the winter solstice, the longest night of the year, and celebrates the rebirth of light into the world. It was a central part of European culture. Knowing they could never suppress such a popular custom, The Christians forcefully replaced Odin with St. Nicholas, The Russian Patron Saint of Children, and made it a celebration of the birth of Jesus.”
Father Lieber claims that The Church of Odin was the main religion for most of Central, Eastern and Northern Europe. Followers of Odin, and other Gods of the Norse Pantheon such as Thor, Frey and Loki, spread all over Europe, including what is now Modern Germany, Sweden, and even England.
“Many of the ancestors of modern day North Americans where followers of the Church of Odin” says Lieber “their families where at one point forced to become Christians, Jul is in their blood, that’s why so many have such strong Christmas Spirit, and yet never go to Christian Church, or even celebrate other Christian holidays. We call these ‘Lapsed Norsemen’ and welcome thousands back into our Church each year.”
But welcoming back the descendants of Odin worshipers is not enough, the New Reformed Church of Odin is launching an unprecedented legal attack on Christendom. The Church is planning to use Intellectual Property law to take back all of the Church’s symbols, which include the Christmas Tree, Mistletoe, and Christmas Stockings.
“We feel our case is very strong” explains Mr. Lieber. “We can clearly demonstrate prior-art on all symbols in questions and our demands are simple: stop using our symbols in connection with Jesus Christ or any other Christians, including Saint Nicholas.”
The Church’s massive lawsuit names all Christian Churches as well as major advertisers that they feel are infringing on their Intellectual Property. Experts worry that even private families will have to take great care when using the Church’s symbols. Use them in the worship of Odin, and you are safe, use then in conjunction with Jesus Christ, and expect to be sued for royalties.
Also, the Church will mount a lawsuit designed to put an end to Santa Claus, who they claim is an insulting parody of their God Odin the All Father, the real Father of Jul. This litigation names Coca-Cola, Disney, Harper’s Magazine and many other high-profile corporations, who have been perpetuating Santa Claus.
“I understand why the Christians use our Tree, our Mistletoe, our Stockings. I want them to stop, but I understand. After all these are such fun things.” Fritz continues, “but the Santa Claus thing is what really makes me mad, this is obviously a cruel joke, a mean-spirited, blasphemous, attack on our Holy Odin.”
Fritz’s brow furloughs and his eyes widen as he continues “It is Odin who leads the fantastic journey to bring light back to the world, leading Frey on his glowing boar and Thor, whose golden flying chariot is drawn by two white goats called Cracker and Gnasher.” Our children leave straw and sugar outside for Sleipnir, Odin’s marvelous flying eight-legged horse. In reward, It is Odin, the All Seeing, who fills the shoes and stockings of nice little girls and boys with gifts, and it is Odin, The All Mighty, who puts a lump of coal in the shoes of naughty children” Fritz explains “Donner is the ancient Germanic name of Thor, not a frigin’ Reindeer! These Blasphemers must be Stopped!”
Well, I guess time will tell whether Odin will ever be free of his chubby red-clad doppelganger, Santa Claus, but all the commotion will certainly bring more attention to his Church.
“The Church of Odin is a very misunderstood Religion” Father Lieber Says. “Everybody thinks it’s all about dying in battle to get to Valhalla, all about war, but really it is not so different from Christianity, we endure war and are rewarded for fighting bravely, but we too are also waiting for a second coming; the second coming of Baldur, the God of Love. Our Mistletoe is like your Crucifix, Baldur was killed by Mistletoe, but it is also the symbol of his eventual return. Just like Jesus and the Cross. Since Baldur is the God of Love, we kiss beneath the Mistletoe in tribute”